AFFIRMATIVE HEALING

It took most of my life to embody the truth that balance is the principal seat of personal power. I have lived a life of service and love with insufficient boundaries as, like so many women, my boundaries were all trashed in childhood. I believe that the statistics say that 8 out of 10 women have suffered sexual abuse. Some carry the memory at a conscious level and some do not. I was one of the women who did not until 2005 when I was 58. But my history has shaped my experience all through my life. And it continues to. Life is not a linear affair where one can begin to heal their life and continue in a straight line until that task has been completed. It is more like a spiral so that the piece requiring healing comes up again and again at various levels of the spiral and in various ways. When I am reading and healing I never read sexual abuse when I see it because it may not be held at a conscious level and furthermore, I just heal it instead of re-traumatizing my client by reading it again. And I heal the resultant grief… in me…… and in him/her.

I have learned a lot about sexual abuse suffered by men. But I digress. Balancing male and female energy is crucial. Learning to love myself has been crucial. Staying deep in my experience of guilt when I set a boundary but holding firm has been crucial. Currently, I have acupuncture twice every week. On one occasion the acupuncturist noted that I had had my gall bladder removed. She noted that the gall bladder serves the function of making one decisive. And inquired if I had trouble with decisions. I replied that I could always see both sides of a situation and decisions and boundaries were therefore difficult. That day my energetic gall bladder received a boost and I came home and set a boundary that I had failed to do for 5 years. And several others.

This is balance. This is balance between giving healing and receiving healing. Every healer needs a healer. The more professional the better. And there must be balance between the value derived by client and healer. The best judge of what is of value is each of us. I decide what has value to me. You decide what has value to you.

So recently a client who came for a session looked at my speed ball and laughed and asked if I was using it. When I explained that I was she suggested I blog about it. So here goes. I used to somehow believe that I was the embodiment of love. But the facts began to confront me. I was motoring around in a state of bliss loving everyone one day and I consulted a healer about my scalp psoriasis. He said to me “My dear someone is getting in your hair”. So as a way to intervene he did an energy session. For the next two days as the catharsis unfolded I spoke through gritted teeth and could barely be civil to store clerks and generally experienced my frustration and anger.
More recently I had the opportunity through a long interpretive dance experience to act it out physically. And now I know that I have at least the same amount of anger as every other person, that anger is a legitimate emotion, that anger is often not rational and when it is not it is best not to bring it into relationships, and that anger needs an outlet. Anger without an outlet will find one……either it will turn in and become depression……or it will create dis-ease in the body.

Sooooooooooo….I inquired about using the boxing equipment at the gymn but that is not the kind of workout which is encouraged for a 68 year old. So I crossed the street to Suits U and a surprised man listened carefully to what I wanted and suggested a speed ball and while he was at it he ordered one for himself. So now I do a few rounds with my speedball on a regular basis. My footwork does not match that of a 30 year old boxer but I have agility and eyehand co-ordination and lots of power so when I put the gloves on lots happens. It is a very skillful way to channel anger and to dig up anger you didn’t know you had and you end up in your personal power and with lots of clarity. I heartily recommend a speed ball to you.

Understanding synchronicity is not possible in my view….I believe those two words to be an oxymoron. So how then is it possible to write about synchronicity? I think that I have to channel this blog for it to have value. Synchronicity can be said to happen because of the alignment of the planets, or it can be said to be a response in the Universe to two or more matching energies. So are we speaking then about the Law of Attraction? In its natural operation perhaps but I think the underpinnings for the Law of Attraction are too practiced and deliberate in those who cultivate its workings in their lives, i.e., there is too much effort involved. Synchronicity is effortless. There is an older man who was very disappointed at one time that I was not interested in being in a relationship with him and later let me know that my friendship crossed his boundaries so when we encounter each other I am very respectfully contained. If he sees me coming he turns down a side street. But we encounter each other several times a week…in fact almost every day on the sidewalk or in various restaurants. I think this is true synchronicity. Does synchronicity have a purpose in the Universe? I think not. I think it is an opening in the flow of energy and it reminds me of when I am engaged as a healer and the huge flow of Divine love ignites the spark of the Divine in the person across from me and healing happens. I believe that synchronicity is an opportunity created by strong energetic resonance. When we think of someone and they instantly phone us I think that is an opening created by such a resonance. When you see the numbers for example 11:11 there is an opening being created by Universal love to reach beyond the ordinary. And sometimes I think there is a lot of Universal love happening when there is synchronicity and we cannot always understand the workings of Universal love in the same way we understand human love. For example it may not obviously feel or seem to be loving. But it heals or changes one’s direction if not thwarted. There was a time when I was very connected to synchronicity in my daily life and now I am not. I believe people can open or close the doors to synchronicity in their lives by intention.

I am not a follower of other teachers. However somehow I registered for and showed up at a Weekend of Inquiry with Gangaji. She has been teaching for decades. People who began to follow her 20 years ago were in attendance. One person had travelled from Geneva to Victoria to attend. Many were from out of town. There were 50 of us. On the first day of the retreat I was deep in suffering. I had been unable to terminate a friendship that became a healing relationship that became a relentless crossing of my clearly stated boundaries. There was a sense of threat in the energy I was receiving sometimes and no communication in the physical realm. I am very much against relationships on a psychic level that are not respectful of one another’s personal power and boundaries. As I wondered and wondered how to terminate this relationship where we had shared so much love Gangaji spoke of her teacher Papaji. His total instruction to her was one word: STOP. One did not have to know how. Just STOP. And later her teaching that if we wanted freedom we had to be willing to die. We had to give up all ideas of life after death. We had to just be willing to die. And also to give up using all of our extraordinary powers and live and die like every other ordinary person.
As I walked in the sunshine after lunch Gangaji contacted me over the psychic connection with instructions to raise my hand and be one of the people to sit with her and receive instruction. But when the moment came and she looked directly at me I could not. Instead over the ensuing hour all of the healing energy and all of the teachings that I needed tumbled towards and through me. In my group healings many people say to me “that was me you were reading” as if the entire experience were between me and that person only. I have just enjoyed that experience and learned how much it means. I also enjoyed the deepening and healing that happens when Gangaji enters the room or meditates and I know this is what my students and followers experience as well. How very lovely to be on the receiving end!
A final note…..laughter! This teacher is full of laughter! May I sit at her feet and learn!!

Sometimes it is just impossible to create permanent healing for someone. And then you just let go forever. It is a hard lesson for a healer to learn and I have struggled and struggled with it. I am still struggling. What are the conditions that prevent a person’s inner healer from being activated? Why does dependency happen instead of healing? Why do people fall in love with their healer? And what does a healer do when that happens? A very insightful man who has seen my healings in progress observes that in order to heal I match the other person’s light frequency code and then change myself. That I am creating a very deep trust to faciltate healing by getting so engaged with the other person that there is no sense of other. So this resistance to healing becomes my resistance to healing. This is now my addiction to falling in love instead of healing which is being healed here. My tendency toward dependency in healing relationships with people of the opposite gender. My confusion between healing love and romantic love. So now I understand. It is when the differences become clearly highlighted in the healer between healer’s love (loving kindness and the channelling of Divine love) and romantic love that there is a triggering of the client’s inner healer so that the therapeutic relationship has an end point.

Truth is not an absolute. So when someone says to you “that is the absolute truth” that just means it is their truth from their experience. So what I blogged about Healing through Experience is my truth. But there was reciprocity in the healings as there always is in healings. And perhaps their truth is that they both gave me their power in exchange for their lives. Both of them were life saving healings for them. And I experienced very personal lessons in boundaries and respect from both experiences that are invaluable to me. And here I sit surrounded by respect and gratitude and love and well being and leisure and so on. I hope my sharing my healing path helps to heal others and move them through the stages of awareness, anger, truth telling, self awareness and forgiveness. Then it can seem as if all the pain was a dream……it loses its substance. These are the steps to reconciliation and forgiveness. Please remember that forgiveness is a process with these steps rather than an event.

Although there is no regulatory body or ethics ombudsman for an intuitive healer my clients are all aware that I will never disclose their identity or their personal information. It is held prayerfully in a very safe container. Prominent public figures with distinguished lineages are so held by the energy of Divine love which I channel that their trust in me never wavers although through the years there are interruptions and sometimes even discord in our relationships. They are aware that I am a very truthful person, that their healing is very much intertwined with mine, and that I share my healing path publicly for the benefit of others. There is often no financial compensation for me in what turns out to be deeply reciprocal healings. My gratitude is directed to God for that is where healing comes from. So that is one face of gratitude…….the face of prayer.

I sat here tonight and (seeing in symbols as I do) I saw that I was on top of the heap. Which led to the question “the heap” of what? And I realized very deeply that it is gratitude. Something stops some people from thanking me in person or writing a testimonial for healings that have saved their lives, their marriages and their reputations but thoughts have tremendous power in all of our lives. I would like their money, their thanks and their testimonials. Thoughts and feelings of gratitude feel very very wonderful to the recipient. But they change. Thoughts and energy are in a loop and when one changes so does the other. And our energy fields change and move and gratitude is forgotten. But reliability and confidentiality and ethics and channelling of love and forgiveness are also forgotten by others but not by me. And if there is not an equal exchange of value on an ongoing basis the entire healing is lost! So my most sincere prayer is that all of us will always express our gratitude to one another in ways that have value to the other person in the physical realm.

Let me continue very prayerfully here. There are other faces of gratitude which are equally if not more valuable to me. The love and care of community who are often expressing their gratitude to the Divine as we support one another! The expression of faith and trust in one another is an expression of gratitude. And I have always said that gratitude is an energy that puts wings under our feet. So that light and awesome feeling that accompanies gratitude is also a face of gratitude. And I think that the experience of good health and a pain free body is a total reflection of all that gratitude that is being directed towards me this evening. I am learning deep lessons in the true faces of gratitude. I think it may be that the deepest face of gratitude is a never before experienced level of trust. Still learning.

Today I spent some of the happiest hours of my life. I found with distaste that I was wearing a cheap dress chosen for me by a man who did not respect me. But somehow it just did not matter. I had let go. I had a solitary lunch at BeLove where I will not be able to afford to eat again I feel sure. It was not only delicious and beautiful but it was very nutritious and just to my taste. The service was excellent. The restaurant uncrowded.

And then I walked to Beacon Hill Park. My knee hurt. It has been hurting for several weeks. I have not been able to hike. Except sometimes mysteriously it doesn’t hurt at all. Energy is like that. I said to myself finally I have time to heal my own knee. I am not healing others today. I stopped often to pray. Then I felt suddenly very tired. I lay down on a park bench. The trees above were so rich and strong and the sky was limitless and mobile with beautiful white clouds and I was happy. Peaceful. Resting. And I thought to myself “what if this park bench became my bed at night? what if I did not have a condo or any of its trappings? what if every day stretched before me like this day? open with time to pray whenever I wanted to. often. and then I wondered about life in a monastery. it would be so safe. everything would be provided. I am still wondering about that.

Today was meant to be a day of rest for me. A day off after so so so much intensity for so so so long. I did not even get out of my dressing gown when a woman from my meditation group came to share a little time with me and help me connect with her outside of meditation. It felt like a gift and a time of grace. While she was here she helped me know her a little by sharing about the gifts she had brought to the world during her work life and the disease which she has struggled with since childhood. The thought of offering healing came up and I discarded it. That is a very one up way to begin a friendship and I am just not going to behave that way any more. I could not help but see her energy rise and fall and go through changes as we visited but I did not mention it. She has been healing herself valiantly and with significant grace. At one point the thought “you just have to know which screw to turn” drifted through my mind.
After she left I got dressed and went to the Village for yet another bad restaurant meal. I am not domestic by nature and when I am this tired I am not even opening the fridge. I had a long chat about spirituality with a sweet neighbour on the way home. Something was shifting for him too. Eventually I said I have to go. I need a nap. I slept deeply. Somewhere in all of that I began to wonder when and why I started worrying if I would have enough money to live on. I have somehow always tied money to men and corporate power…..as if I needed both in order to survive.
I woke from my deep deep sleep under crashing waves of joy and happiness. Very deeply I knew that my friend who had visited was completely completely healed…….just by visiting. I did not need to get dressed. I did not need to perform. I could just sit and enjoy being with her and a miracle had happened. And before me stretched a vision of a life where I did not need men or money or corporate success. Where I never had to worry about money again because there would always be enough and where I never had to eat another bad restaurant meal. Blogging this is a leap of faith. Someone is doing a brochure for me…maybe he needs to see this?

I have been debating with myself whether I wanted to write next about the way fantasy creates reality or whether I wanted to write about the power of our thoughts. And then I suddenly realized it is the same subject! Thoughts are tremendously powerful. There is a Divine Matrix that connects us all and thoughts travel across it and impact the person we are thinking about. We are exhorted to guard our thoughts for a very good reason. We are shaping the experience of the person we are thinking about. Thoughts and energy form a loop. What is done with one affects the other. People who are caught in a loop of thoughts that run their lives turn to me for an energy healing to cut across that and enable change. As conscientious people we need to recognize that if we always think of someone as in some way deficient we are creating or at least enabling that in their lives. So everyone should undertake some training such as I have had the benefit of in my years as a Buddhist which trains the mind into pathways of patience and loving kindness and compassion. This has a very different result than thoughts of pity and fantasies about how another person must be suffering. The whole mindset is different. Loving kindness and compassion are underwritten by respect and appreciation. Pity and fantasies about suffering are underwritten by a belief that that person is in some way less than we are. We are projecting our judgements onto them instead of healing the pain we are feeling.
There are two kinds of fantasies. One is worry which is using fantasy to create something you do not want. The other is pleasurable and empowering fantasy which is using the power of thought to create positive change in your life. The mind does not know the difference between fantasy and experience so I encourage everyone to use positive fantasies to improve their experience in this world.